The other weekend there, after havering on about it for ages, I finally got round to organising a camping trip to christen my cheap new tent (£10, 3 berth, Asda's finest) and swish new rucksack (so swish that I'll need another blog post entirely to describe it). Here, via the longest blog post in christendom, is a roundup of the trip for posterity:
Expedition party:- Jenny "Boots Are For Keeping The Water In" R.
- Keira "Stand By Me"
- Stuart "Keeper of the Constellations" L.
- Dave "Proper Whisky In A Proper Glass" M.
- Melody "Burn Your Bogroll" B.
- Kate "I Don't Snore" O.
Itinerary (planned):- 16th September, drive to OS grid ref. NN 270 419, Victoria Bridge, by Bridge of Orchy and park cars,
- 5/6km walk in west along path by Abhainn Shira,
- Make camp somewhere around NN 218 418, by Loch Dochard before sunset,
- Eat, drink, sing and be merry; possibly sleep,
- 17th September, walk out to cars, drive home, back in Edinburgh by midday...
Links:What really happened:The bold adventurers mustered at 15:00 (ish) at the Dobbies garden centre outside of Stirling to get organised in two cars and make use of the centre's plumbed in facilities. Melody noted that Keira, Jenny and Stuart were unsuitably attired, having chosen to wear jeans (jeans!) but was persuaded to let them come anyway.
Having done quite well with the directions so far, Kate led the team to park in the wrong place and was ruthlessly punished by the frankly unstable Melody who saw fit to crush her between the two cars. Surprisingly no fractures to the legs were sustained.
Having located the correct car park, in an impressive display of teamwork, the squad managed to distribute three tents, six sleeping bags, five mats, food, swally, charades cards and a guitar into five rucksacks and Keira's handbag. After some difficulty locating the exit of the car park, they set off on foot along the planned route.
Failure to navigate or notice any signposts on the way meant the six made two deviations to the planned route (the author appears not to be shouldering the responsibility for this mistake). The first deviation, north of course through forestry rather than by the riverside, was negligible. The second constituted the wrong choice of river crossing and proved to be more significant. Instead of proceeding further west through the firebreak and crossing via a
bridge at NN 233 418, the team followed the track and made their crossing via some giant's stepping stones at NN 237 419.
Being an actual giant himself, Dave negotiated these without signifiant toil and reached the other side with dry feet. It was soon clear to some of the others that midgetry and big bloody heavy rucksacks would prevent similar success. Stuart impressed the others with his technique of allocating one 'wet foot': rolling up one trouser leg and using that leg to step in the water in the big gaps, thus keeping the other leg dry. It was noted that he was "thinking outside of the box". Only a couple of stones from dry land, however, Stuart's balance failed him and he ended up both-calves-deep in the crystal clear. This was identified as "falling into the box you thought outside of".
Jenny assisted the others by lowering the level of the river by decanting most of it into her boots and waiting 'til she reached the other side to pour it all back in again.
A little further along there was some dismay when the crew espied the bridge which they might have used to cross the river but their disappointment was overcome by the fun of make the bridge sway dangerously (trying to break it) by walking together in step across it. Confusion over whether to walk forwards or on the spot resulted in some collision. Kate made her first attempt at breaking her guitar by smashing it off of the metal cable support at the start of the bridge.
It was around this time that the six worthies became aware that sun was getting ready to set and the midges were moving in. The pace was upped and the search for a suitable camping spot began. Expedition leader Kate also revealed around this time that she knew nothing about camping but was pleased to have invited along five experts to do the thinking. The sun was setting when Melody managed to locate the driest (not very), flattest (not really), least boggy (boggy) patch of ground available. The pitch was situated on a picturesque hillock conveniently situated near the waterfall (for drinking water) and big rocks (to relieve onself behind).
On stopping to pitch the tent the full extent of the midge attack became apparent. On acknowledging the landing rate of 9 midges/square inch skin, some sweary words were heard to be uttered. In a frenzy of insect repellent application, Jenny, Keira and Kate realised that "you thouldn't get that thtuff on your lipth or tongue 'cauthe it hurth like a b*thtard and then turnth them numb". Jenny and Keira battled through the pain, however, and managed to stage a successful wood-hunting expedition. Supplies of wood dead enough for burning were sparse but the pair returned with a bijou but respectable faggot.
There were three erections (tents). Melody had brought along a swish yellow spacecraft-like number made by Ferrari or NASA or something. Kate's £10 Asda job looked the part well enough in blue with eyecatching fluorescent guy ropes. Dave had bought his second hand off Edmund Hilary in 1954 but once he managed to remember to insert all the poles it looked cosy enough.
Melody, flanked by commis-chef Stuart, quickly laid claim to a big flat rock in the middle of the site, christened it her kitchen and started on dinner. Her fiercely territorial attitude to this space kept the others out of the way and made for very efficient operations. A delicious meal of pasta and sauce (tomato or carbonara, with optional smoked sausage chunks), cheese slices, bread, tortillas and a postre of chocolate chip cookies, was enjoyed by the merry band. Only Stuart disgraced himself by slittering his second helping all over the kitchen floor.
After dinner, Kate, who had already been bothering the others with quiet but persistent guitar twanging, decided it was time for the singsong to start. Anyone who hadn't already done so got started on the drink at this point. A period of excellent and tuneful singing followed, marred only by Melody's pedantic insistence on
the right chords to the songs. The crew had been instructed to come prepared with a party piece for the singsong but Jenny, Stuart and Dave managed to weasle out of performing their solo numbers, the pooves. Melody led an enjoyable rendition of the theme from "Friends" and Keira headed up an excellent soulful performance of Ben E. King's "Stand By Me". After a period of time, Kate eventually realised the others were fed up and shut up with the guitar.
The time had come for charades.
It must be noted that there were some attempts at welching out of charades too but a canny adjustment to the rules - that the person guessing the mime correctly got to choose who had to go next - ensured the the game got going. Many laughs were had and terrorising the mimer by blinding them with The Torch As Bright As The Sun was found to be enjoyable by all the group. Accusations of cheating were hurled at Kate but these were mainly fuelled by the others' jealousy of her sparkling prowess.
Not long after charades Jenny and Keira retired to bed in the Asda wing with the hope of getting warm and getting some sleep. The others fired on with the drink and there was some quiet conversation and lots of stargazing thanks to the unbelievably clear night. Like a younger, smoother Patrick Moore, Stuart led the laypersons in elementary astrophysics and astrophotography. Melody was delighted to discover that she was made from stardust (it should be noted that, later in the trip, Dave took the sheen off this revelation somewhat by commenting that his arse was made of stardust too).
It being a bit chilly, it was decided that some movement was necessary and it was proposed that Dave lead the group in a basic fencing lesson. He protested, however, that this would be impossible without a flat, hard surface, so, realising that they would have to resort to a real sport, Kate took the group through the basics of salsa. The lads were pretty impressive and after an hour or so were leading the ladies through a routine of basic mambo, cross body lead and ladies right turn with a combination of closed and open hold. There was some whining from Dave over his falling in a big hole. In a girly strop he retaliated by pushing Kate in the same hole but luckily she was able to overlook this churlishness.
Moved by their success Stuart, Melody and Kate managed to persuade Dave to have a go at a fencing lesson after all. Kate took the position of pupil and armourers Stuart and Melody kept the master and apprentice supplied with bent wooden sabres and epees from Keira and Jenny's (unburnt) faggot and provided much needed coaching and encouragement. Despite the mattress-like floor surface Dave covered the basics of posture, en-garde and lunging although in fairness his pupil lacked flair.
It became apparent that Jenny and Keira might not have managed to sleep through the skills exchange episode and, since the sun was inches from the horizon, the hardy four decided it was bedtime. Stuart and Melody chose the Waldorf Astoria tent to continue their astronomy lesson and Kate and Dave bunked up in the Tenzing Norgay Suite.
The wanderers slept...a bit.
The Waldorf was alive with giggling for a while and some swearing was heard to issue from the Tenzing Norgay when it became apparent that, due to the stylish sloping floor, sliding down the tent then climbing back up it repeatedly would be the order of the night. Loud and persistent snoring was reported throughout the hours of sleep: it was almost certainly coming out of Melody.
The plan was to rise early in the morning, around eight, allowing time to breakfast, mobilise, hike back to the motors and drive back to Embra for lunchtime. Inevitably, since day had been breaking when the final four started bedding down, the sleeping went on a bit longer than planned. Dave checked his watch with an "Oh, f*ck!" at c. 09:15. There was some more swearing when he saw the ambush brigade of midges clamouring at the door of the Tenzing Norgay. Kate was first out and gave a repeat performance of last night's insect repellent debacle.
Having been kissed with sunshine and beautiful clear skies the night before, the glen was now enjoying a big wet snog from a soggy raincloud. Things were a bit damp. Kate emptied the rain out of the body of her guitar which she had abandoned on the kitchen before bed. Gradually, but surprisingly quickly the rest of the team got up and at 'em and crammed their little village back into the rucksacks. Breakfast of croissants, flapjacks and pancakes was enjoyed on the move, the bakery goods proving an effective way to sap any residual fluid from hungover systems.
On the walk out the team were glad to choose the bridge route across the river in favour of braving the giant's stepping stones over a rain fuelled Abhainn Shira. Walking on the wobbly bridge was almost as much fun as the night before and Kate had another couple of cracks at ruining her already comprised guitar on the bridge supports. The alternative route took the band over a giant's stepladder posing as a stile over deer fencing (Dave: "Deer fencing? How would they hold the swords?") and onto a firebreak in the forestry. Having negotiated the stile with grace and panache the team found themselves battling with some slightly boggy ground. Keira was the first to go ankle deep, christening her shiny white new trainers quite effectively, but the others soon managed to mucky-up nicely too.
A few kilometres later the car park was gained and the expedition party were ready for home. Most were sporting a sweaty bedraggled chic and the fruits of last night's midges' labours were beginning to show: Stuart, Melody, Keira, Jenny and Kate didn't laugh at all at Dave's impression of Spotty out of Superted.
And so the bags were loaded and damp weary bodies were folded up into steamy cars for the ride home. Kate resisted the temptation to park up her wagon full of sleeping beauties Dave and Stuart and have a kip herself and Melody carted Jen and Keira back to Dobbies where Keira's Dad-Bus was intact and waiting. It was generally agreed that a good time had been had by all.
Again, again, again!
