Five Alternatives To The Claridges Shroud Of Shame

This week in London, a woman made a terrible faux pas. Not only did she bring her awful infant offspring to a posh London hotel* but, when the mewing runt required feeding, like a beast of the field she offered it to suckle from her naughty, rude, sexy breast.

You may scoff in disbelief, reader, but it’s true. In this civilised day and age, when the purpose of the breast as a fashion accessory, billboard of sexual availability or newspaper sales tool is firmly established, this maid exposed her pillows of shame and laid them out** like a bestial buffet to be devoured, not only by the mouth of the babe, but also by the helpless hungry eyes of the gentle people around her.

Luckily, the staff of the hotel was eagle-eyed to the embarrassing incident and, ever watchful of the dignity of its guests, rushed to the scene, producing a white linen shroud with which to shield the delicate gaze of other diners*** from the base bodily function being allowed to occur.

* A hotel which does not have a ‘no babies’ policy and claims to welcome breastfeeding.
** Lifted a corner of her sweater, cradled her baby close and carried on with proceedings so discreetly that most people wouldn’t have noticed what she was doing.
*** To be sure and attract the attention of anyone who hadn’t yet noticed what was happening.

It’s a shocking tale and I know that you, reader, would wish not to shame this poor lady any further, rather to equip her with the tools to preserve her dignity in future. Therefore, I have collated a few better courses of action, a few alternatives to the Claridges Shroud Of Shame, so that you may share them with any mother you know to be similarly disabused of the indecency of breastfeeding in a civilised setting.

1. Stay at home in your place, female. You have chosen to allow the seed of a male past your natural defences and to conceive of young, so now accept the responsibility to keep the rotten fruits of your labour to yourself. A short, local walk, in between feeds, is an appropriate outing for one with an unfortunate appendage such as yours.
   
2. Consider formula feeding. A plastic bottle is so much more palatable to the eye and milk wrangled from the muck-spattered teat of a farm animal will cause offence to no-one.
   
3. Have the baby wait. Children must learn patience and, unlike your lewd interactions with the lips of your infant, your fellow diners will patiently, nay blithely, endure the cries of a hungry child for the sake of the moral fibre of the generation to come.
   
4. Take yourself to the toilet. Far better you perch yourself on a porcelain milking stool and enjoy the animal stenches of others, than your fellow inhabitants be coerced to exercise their choice of where to orient their gaze.
   
5. Finally, if you really do feel you must move in polite society whilst so encumbered, take on staff. A wet nurse can be retained within the means of most moderate estates. If this is not the case for you then perhaps, notwithstanding your ability to pay the bill, Claridges is not the place for you. Have you thought of Tillings Cafe in Surrey?

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If you enjoyed this much-needed dose of common sense into the muscle of politically correct madness, then I would recommend you stay well clear of Deborah Orr’s piece on this case. You may find it uncomfortably difficult to argue against.

Kate O’Hara

@1meanhousewife